Slippery Slope

The climb is steep and slippery... and I have fallen and slide back to the bottom. There is a lot of stuff down here that I had dropped along the climb. I had hoped I would never see some of these things again but here they are.

I have been losing my footing for a couple weeks and I knew I was going to collapse like house build of cards. I envy people that can roll with the punches. It seems that the slightest bit of anxiety or stress disorients me and I lose myself and spin into a funk. I hate living like this. There are things to be happy about but they seem overshadowed by the stresses of life... I guess more appropriately-I let them overshadow the lighter side of life.

Its so lonely in this one horse town. I am a regular in the geographical fix category, even though I know that is never the answer to what I am looking for. But I feel like I am in prison here. And unless I want to eat 30k on my house I am trapped. I can't stand this. I am wasting my life. I am grateful for my friends here, but none of them know me, I don't feel comfortable talking to them, and there always seems to be more compromise on my part.

Its so hard to get excited about anything. Even external things like getting a new car and new job don't even register on the "something to look forward to" scale. I think anxiety about the new job and tying things up with my current job may have a little bit to do with my stress level. I guess I look forward recognizing that once the excitement of the new wears off, I will settle backing into an equilibrium of unhappiness.

I know wallowing doesn't help and I know that I have to do this myself. It is embarrassing that I have to try to be happy.